Burnout & Us
To truly live is to take advantage of opportunity after opportunity. Trying new things, working hard, and staying involved in communities of choice. If we are lucky, our responsibilities do not feel like obligations or burdens, but memories yet to be made. It is so beautiful to take on a new skill, adventure, relationship or agenda. But we can not do it all. As much as we push ourselves to be superhuman and resistant to exhaustion, our bodies need to rest. When we have dreams and desires, the most unproductive thing we feel we can do to get ourselves there is nothing. But it is when we do nothing - and remain still - our healing and creativity flourish. So how do we even begin to balance a life of grinding with peace and necessary calamity? Let’s talk about it.
I have fallen victim to the symptoms of burnout on more occasions than I wish to admit. Its funny because you think I would have learned after the first few times huh? During my freshmen year of high school - this was fall of 2020 to the spring of 2021 - I began joining numerous activities at my high school and even across the nation. After the end of my middle school career finished virtually due to the Covid-19 pandemic, I was driven to waste no time and not let such constraints hold me back from all I wanted to accomplish. So regardless of my fear and youth, I put myself out there and built a name for myself. And it was so incredibly fun. I was busy and active and loved every second of it. I started teaching violin, starting with one and over the course of the year acquiring 5 more students; I auditioned for and joined my school’s Chamber Orchestra; I was performing double Varsity for my school’s dance team (kick and lyrical); I was a communications liaison for the non-profit organization Colors for Coats; was active in the Student Council; competed on the Math Team; took private Piano and Violin lessons; started and ran the my high school’s Student Newspaper; and remained successful in all of my courses. I WAS KILLING IT BRO. I was 14 years old and had believed to have discovered the art of balance, scheduling, and organization. However, I was always go-go-going and I had minimal time for myself, my friendships and social life, and even an adequate sleeping schedule. Although I was successful and lively on paper, my motivation was wearing down and the passion I once had was dissipating. One week, I could feel my body and my mind just failing. I had little energy and a grueling amount of brain fog: every class or email or student or practice was incomprehensible. One day I woke up and my body simply didn’t. I was so mentally and physically worn down that - I kid you not - I did not stop crying for 24 hours straight. I began having flu-like symptoms, headaches, and nausea. I went to dance practice that day, and during warm-ups I was shaking and crying and unable to do anything. It was the most important week of dance, we had sections the next day, and I had to withdraw from dance and other activities because of my exhaustion. I went to the doctor, and got tested for Covid, strep, mono, flu, you name it. Now, I did not know what burnout was then or what was possibly happening, so I was confused and frustrated as ever when there was nothing visibly wrong with me. I remember blaming my body and believing it was giving up on me for no reason. I was devastated.
Little did I know this was my body’s way of protecting me and restoring all it had lost during my months of excessive adrenaline.
Now, flash forward to my sophomore and junior year, where my schedule remained heavy, if not even more demanding. I had begun to understand how stress worked and the impact it had on my body, although I did not take any direct action to prevent the tiring consequences. For about two years, I had conditioned and understood the cycle my body had to take in order for me to do all that I wanted to do. This means that I would be able to beautifully balance 25 things at a time for about 6 weeks straight, but had to sacrifice 5-7 days in between each productive high for my body to face the symptoms of burnout and properly recover. I am being so serious when I tell you that I had to reschedule commitments weeks in advance because I knew I was going to be sick on that day. I am crazy - I know. It never really occurred to me to slow down or permanently withdraw from certain responsibilities. In fact, I was so convinced I was immortal I would keep adding things onto my plate. But this is where the argument of quality over quantity has reshaped my perspective on success.
Quality > Quantity
It has been so difficult for me to fight the natural processes of exhaustion largely because I truly love my life. Each student I have, class I take, or community I work for and lead - all of these interactions make up my days and define me. And doing things a person adores does not necessarily promote a cycle of burnout, but in giving so much of yourself to others can reduce your greater awareness of your own needs and health. As well, when a person is stretched thin over a variety of commitments, the time and effort one can put into making an individual project successful is weakened. My father was actually the person to warn me of this. And him being my Dad, of course I did not want to believe him. I actually wrote him off as doubting my capabilities, when really, he was underlining a definition of human. My father told me of professors he knew that would take on a plethora of research projects. With so much to do, each research opportunity just turned to be inadequate and ultimately failed endeavors. Because these professors had given themselves so much to focus on, an experiment or project was never able to reach its full potential and have an impact the way they had inititially asipired. He told me, that the most commended in their field would chose to take on a only a project or two at a time. These were ultimately the most successful and fulfilled researchers he knew. This overcompensating is applicable all throughout our lives. If a person only has so much mental capacity to expend over a few responsibilities, why give 5% to 20 different areas? At the end of the day, is your impact really that significant if you are running back and forth between these opportunities? It turns into having to select which parts of your life you are going to give yourself to and which others you will have to place on the backburner in order for other aspects to flourish. Likewise, we should be able to take in and enjoy the duties of our life. When our mind is constantly elsewhere or in a state of fight-or-flight, we are unable to be present and fully absorb the content of each unique experience.
Allow uncertainty and fluidity
It is difficult to refrain from overloading our days and weeks. When a day has gone by and I feel I was unproductive or lazy, I feel icky and sometimes ashamed about wasted time. I was raised with the notion that time was one’s most valuable asset, and to not use it was an act of disrespect towards the future. To avoid feelings of dissatisfaction with a day’s itinerary I have turned to hardcore scheduling and to-do lists as a way to keep me on track. Although a rigid calendar has allowed me to stay accountable to myself and other individuals, I have sacrificed life’s gift of spontaneity and risk. Because my calendar app says I have to be networking at a certain time, going out with friends has been intrinsically viewed as not fulfilling or straying from the productive routine. And to that I say: screw that! Stray from the patterns of what your definition of grinding is. Substitute a study session in your room for a discovery of a new coffee shop downtown. If a meeting takes longer than you had anticipated, do not spend the whole day trying to stay caught up with your tentative plan. Make your own rules based on how your feeling, what you want to be doing in that moment, and what opportunities arise. Nobody plans out the most unexpected and memorable nights of their life. This ‘grind doesn’t stop’ mindset only perpetuates feelings of unworthiness and our fear of failure. Pause and play the grind when you feel necessary, and take things off your plate that you struggle to see personal value or a future in.
Making ‘me-time’ a priority
In the midst of business and the natural stress that arises from day-to-day interactions, it is critical to make personal excursions and self-care a priority. It sounds so miniscule I know. In fact, I used to think tasks such as showering, doing my eyebrows, or running/lifting was self-love. But then a close friend of mine pointed out that those things are literally taking care of yourself not self care. Knowing the difference is important. Actively loving oneself consists of giving into what moves the heart. Think about it like being in a relationship. What are the gestures or habits that you would extend for a partner? Do the same for yourself. Withdraw from working late at night to take yourself out to eat. Break up a long day by finally going to that new bookstore or ice cream place. Celebrate yourself! I was exploring this balance of self-love and productivity for the first time awhile ago, and I scheduled time in my day to finally see an art exhibit, go to Orchestra Hall, paint (even though I am terrible), and even watch movies I missed seeing. However, when life would start to feel really heavy again, I noticed that these items were the first to go. Instead of investing more time into myself, I saw activities like yoga and comic book reading as replaceable with catching up in Calculus or getting ahead on some emails. In reality, taking a break from my self-love habits ultimately meant taking a break from feeling fully connected to everything I would engage in. So when life feels overwhelming, it is more important than ever to value ‘me-time’ over busy work, in order to better connect and reflect on your ongoing patterns.
We can not do it all. Our adrenaline exists to serve our busy days, not mobilize us through every impossible event. Observe your limits. Learn from the bad days and take notes on the good ones. Never feel guilty for putting your mental and physical health before a commitment. Everything we participate in deserves our all, so create a life that consists of control and peace instead of inadequacy.
Choose to slow down when life speeds up.
