Saying Thank You Instead of Sorry

Nothing feels better than to be appreciated — to have our acts of patience or kindness noticed and highlighted. It's fulfilling, and helps embed the idea that Yes! I am doing something right. Conversely, nothing is worse than feeling as if you have negatively disrupted someone’s day. It is easy to fall into the habit of routinely apologizing for small mistakes of your own - or others - that you had virtually no control over. But saying 'I'm sorry' over and over, is harmful to personal confidence, self-image, and unfortunately, any apology that falls from the mouth may begin to lose all meaning. Let's learn how to replace feelings of shame with well-needed expressions of gratitude, to ensure all those around us are reminded of how their existence is appreciated in everyday life. This mindset has drastically changed my life narrative. The act of replacing every sorry, with a smiling thank you. This simple substitution has improved my relationship with myself, enhancing my self-awareness and self-love, while also strengthening the relationships with those I care about. Win-Win.

We use the word sorry to shield much of our daily discomfort. Whether apologizing for ramming into someone else's shopping cart at the grocery store (embarrassing), not seeing your neighbor wave to from a few houses away until it's too late (so embarrassing), or even saying You too! to the employee who just told you to enjoy your burger (now this is just sad). It's moments like these that make us embarrassed enough to be apologetic for our own awkwardness. It is a protective mechanism of ours to immediately see a flaw in every crumb we drop or stranger we bump into. We just don’t want to make mistakes! But we do. So let's embrace our quirks, our fun, our 'not socially acceptable.' Laugh along with the person whose cart you plunged into (this is usually a 2-person effort!), walk over to your neighbor and start up a real conversation, and as for the fast-food worker you told to enjoy their food — there is just no coming back from this.  

We also tend to insert much of our self-deteriorating ideas into interactions with those around us, perpetuating the habit of constantly apologizing to others. We use this as a way of reminding people, and ourselves, of how unfit or unwanted we feel we are. When we hurt, the last thing we want is to project this onto those we love, so we apologize if this seemingly poor behavior weighs them down. It's hard not to feel badly when you forget to respond to a friend’s text, or are late to an important event. We often use every mistake as a representation of what we offer to this world and creative pervasive meanings off small mishaps.

It's also challenging when close friends or strangers go out of their way to support you, alleviate your hardships, or just offer their time in general. I, for one, detest when others pay for my meals, buy me gifts, and really spend any money on me. It’s something I am working on, as I understand some of my close friends' love languages are in the form of gift-giving but it makes me feel vulnerable, at fault, and as if I owe them something. Similarly, when we forget to bring something to an event, keep our parents waiting, or say a name incorrectly, we project this shame onto ourselves in an unnecessarily deep manner. We feel guilty that others' daily routines are constrained due to our own foolishness.

The truth is, we all need to be a little nicer to ourselves and one another. 

Instead of viewing other people’s act of kindness or extension of help as a lack of ability or fault of your own - embrace their generosity through simple verbal gratitude. Here are some examples. Try to use a new one today, or come up with a replacement of a common sorry you use every day.

“I’m sorry I am late.”                              Thank you for waiting for me. 

“I’m sorry I rambled.”                               Thank you for listening to me

“I’m sorry I took up so much of your time.”    Thank you for spending time with me. 

“I’m sorry I spilled that.”                  Thank you for helping me clean this up. 

“I’m sorry that I am not making a lot of sense.” Thank you for trying to understand me. 

“I’m sorry, I forgot!”                             Thank you for reminding me. 

By making these simple phrase exchanges, the line between mistake and humanness will fade. Others may enjoy your company more, as your positive reassurance of often-overlooked gestures will improve their own self-perception. They will feel more needed, as you acknowledge their strengths, without degrading yourself and your possible weaknesses. If you are constantly reminding friends of things you need to be sorry for, these misinterpreted flaws might turn into all they see of you. When you start to say sorry enough to the people around you, not only will everybody start viewing you as forgetful, mistake-prone, or clumsy — but you, too, will begin to believe in these faults. You create your own image, your own vibe. If this space is consistently fogged with sorry or regretfulness, you will forget all the acts of goodness you create, too. 

We tend to hold the spotlight on everything in need of repair. But what if we allowed one another to screw up, and still showed up, regardless? We should be allowed to make silly mistakes without the fear of humankind blacklisting us. The only way we get through this crazy life is by leaning on our fellow humans in times of dark and sharing our joy in times of light. So say thank you more! Tell your dog thank you for all the warm and well-needed cuddles! Tell your microwave thank you for being there in times of staleness and cold! Say thank you for the heck of it! And know when saying I’m sorry, is truly appropriate.