The Pride of Independence & Us

We are living amidst a self-improvement movement. And boy it is wonderful! Think about it: thousands of self-help books and blogs (just like this), forums for psychological safety in the workplace, fitness center discounts, TedTalk conferences, and productivity YouTube shorts. We are instilled in our media that investing in our personal progression is no longer stigmatized but encouraged. Of course, we are also heavily confronted with toxic self-serving rhetoric that in some aspect has fueled our desires to seek out new forms of self-care or social practices. This pressurizing content is exemplified through largely edited Instagram highlight reels and What I do in a day videos that create unrealistic expectations for what it means to live authentically. The raw truth is that our self-understanding pathways look different than everyone around us, regardless of similarities conveyed on the surface. I like to compare the always-ongoing self-love journey to different plants one may find in a garden. Some flowers — like the night-blooming cereus and kurinji — take years to fully blossom. But that does not mean the roots that go unseen to us are not expanding more and more each day. Likewise, daisies and roses produce petals like crazy and their growth is so close to the eye. But what makes the plant everlasting is not similarly celebrated. We all grow at different rates and one path is not grander than the other. Just simply, unique to that human and all they have encountered. While we engage in different creative practices to learn what frees our own mind (I enjoy running, journaling, and bad romance movies) no one quite talks about how lonely such exploration can sometimes feel.

But are we lonely or are we simply just soul-searching alone?

I have never quite understood my own aptitude for extraversion. I love to go out with my friends, party, and I LIVE to meet new people. Playing tourist in my own city and being curious about the peers I have been attending school with my whole life excites me. But I have had a large issue with accepting my own self-dependence, FOMO, and being comfortable with adventures on my own. The world problem is a reach because ultimately I have grown to adore these me-only excursions. Though, I felt shame in the practice of self-growth and independence for a long time. I wondered if anyone around me was focused on the same things that I was or actively sought out uncomfortable situations to challenge themselves. Sometimes, I even felt exposed when I would visit a new library on my own or walk through a CVS on a mission to find some cheddar Chex Mix (best snack ever fr). I guess I felt inadequate that the relationship I had with myself, though strong, was not something to be proud of. My Instagram was, and still is, encompassed with depictions of big groups of friends exploring the streets of Italy or romantic partners doing literally everything with eachother. Doing things by myself did not feel socially acceptable. Yes we are living in a new era of self-love instilment, but we also remain partial to interpersonal engagements and do not fully accept the power of the intrapersonal engagement. I have felt that, if I don’t have a group of people to take cute pictures with at a cute destination, or another human to share a new recipe or drink with, does it matter? Can it be celebrated and can I celebrate myself?

Hell to the yes.

The most important relationship a person will ever have in their life is the relationship they have with themself. I will forever stand by this. I mean, I am the only person who has witnessed all I have witnessed, overcome all I have overcome, and laughed at all I have laughed at. My mind and my body are the only entities I have shared each unique experience with and I could never ask for a better companion in this life. So yes, I get to embrace ME! We all do! There is strength in such self-dependence. Going solo is empowering and a different form of self-care. For example, though I used to feel awkward heading to a new cafe or hiking trail on my own, I have grown to look forward to it. I no longer desire an additional human to accompany me on adventures that my heart longs for. For starters, I dislike having to convince people of why an activity should be longed for or persuading others to come along for the ride. I want to and that’s all that should really matter. Additionally, sometimes social interaction is plain exhausting and being with others all the time is overwhelming. There are a lot of unspoken social rules that we all subconsciously obey, so giving myself the space to break those rules and live free of judgment is recharging.

Another aspect of the stigma regarding independence is the pressure to lean on others for emotional support. I will always preach emotional vulnerability with loved ones and a healthy level of transparency, but learning how to get yourself through difficult times in the absence of a support system is the most rewarding and mobilizing feat ever. This begins by being uncomfortable handling problems on your own. Whether it is a conflict with a friend, a graphic design dilemma, or suppressed internal wounds, allowing yourself to feel helpless without reaching out for help instills and reasserts the power we all have to pull ourselves out of almost anything. That said, if such feelings come in the form of depression, suicidal thoughts, or are causing stress in all aspects of life, I encourage you to reach out to a trusted medical professional and/or helpline. After you have overcome smaller tragedies on your own — independently! — you will have created newfound respect for yourself and feel confident in the ability to tackle future failures (they are inevitable). As well, after we have taken a step back from leaning on those around us religiously for mental encouragement, we will respect others’ boundaries more and feel certain in our ability to work through an issue, either with another human or on our own. I think this is one of the many mini secrets to life. Being so completely grounded in your own self-worth that nobody’s absence or presence can disturb your life navigation and overall peace. Independence is a rite of passage we all owe to ourselves to acquire.

Being prideful in our self-dependent nature can suck. Just gonna put it out there. But none of us are starting from scratch. We all spend time by ourselves every single day. So be active in that time alone and use it effectively! My favorite idea to grow upon self-certainty is to go on a date with yourself. I absolutely dare you! Go out to eat and treat yourself to a nice meal (preferably nutritious food) and see a show. Most states have an Orchestra Hall open to the public if that is your vibe — I adore the MN Orchestra — or go to a music cafe with local artists and performers. Maybe you would rather go on a walk at a new park or finally try that banana split from the new creamery down the street. Whatever excites YOU and only YOU, do it! Do not wait for friends to finally accompany you or be available. Be so rooted in yourself that you do not allow life to pass you by.

I will now leave you with the words of actor and pop icon, Timothee Chalamet. This mantra tends to resonate through my head every so often and empowers me to be prideful of my independence.

“You could be the master of your fate. You could be the captain of your soul. But you have to realize that life is coming from you and not at you, and that takes time.”